From the Brew Room: A Cautionary Tale

Brewing can be easy and fun- if you begin like normal people would, not like type A, beer-snob control-freaks. That being said- we decided to cut some corners in the venerable process of learning to brew and went straight to brewing all-grain. With our noses high in the air after our first successful brew (most of this success we really owed to our brewing tutor, the Naughty Nurse) we went straight to brewing all-grain Belgian beer recipes. This, if you know anything about brewing, is laughable. So our second brew- a saisson-style beer failed, our third beer a Belgian golden did too. At this point, we cried/whined for many hours. It was only after we seriously considered a conspiracy theory where Terry Boyd (of Mountview Plaza Wines and Liquors) secretly infected our basement with rampant funky yeast strains that rendered us incapable of brewing so we would be forced to only buy kegs from him- that we snapped out of it and decided to get some answers. So we headed to our local bar and unofficial Beer Nerd headquarters, My Place, to accost our wiser, and unwitting brewing colleagues with a most regrettable taste test. Here's how our critique sessions started off:


Mark: (Takes a whiff) "Hmmmmm...doesn't smell infected. (Tastes) Oh my god! Band aids! "

Crapper: "Wow...phenolic bomb...I taste clove, banana, cleanser, chlorine?"

The Nurse: "Christ! There's something good under the phenols but I mostly taste throat lozenges. You know the fake lemony ones?"

Phil: "Smells pretty good really- but the taste....soapy"

Crapper: "Yeah, I'm done tasting that. (gags, pushing the glass to a safe distance)"


After much helpful consideration here are the theories on how we went wrong:


Crapper- "It's the plastic primary fermenter! That's your problem! Jesus! Just man up and buy a glass carboy"


Nurse- "I've used the same plastic bucket for 15 years! I think it's the water..."


Crapper- (to the Nurse) "You're wrong, just so wrong!" (To us) "Don't listen to him..." (back to the Nurse) "How would you know anyway? How many brewing awards have you won?"


Nurse: "I don't need awards, I save them for people like you, who have to constantly bolster their own egos"


Mark: "Well, it could be the water, it could be your racking cane, the temperature you brewed at, the plastic....we need to get rid of some variables."


Crapper: "Start by getting the Nurse's brewing equipment out of your basement! That's your real problem."


And there you have it- back to the drawing table. And what of our failed beers? Well, I was unable to let go of the first failure so it became Eisbock ( beer that's frozen to concentrate the alcohol) This actually came out really good- although the yield was pretty low, only a couple of bottles. The rest of that batch went to making malt vinegar. Also pretty good so far (still fermenting) Our second, most recent beer failure is being combined with a lactic yeast strain, mixed with fruit, and left, hopefully to breath off its phenol band-aids and magically become lambic..........it's a long shot but I hate to waste anything especially, $70 worth of brewing ingredients (ouch!) and a days worth of labor. I am left thinking about our friend and fellow beer enthusiast, Jan's response when we asked whether or not he brews beer. His answer, which echoes in my brain, was "Brew beer? Why? There are so many delicious beers I can just go out and buy!" Hurumph!!!